honesty is just to beautiful to ever put into words

I just ride.

"I was in the winter of my life and the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself, dancing and laughing and crying with them.

Three years down the line of being on this road tour, my memories of them were the only things that sustained me...and my only real happy times.

I was a singer.

Not a very popular one. I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet. But upon an unfortunate series of events, I saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again. Sparkling and broken. But I didn't really mind it because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is.

When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing...how I had been living...they asked me why.

But there's no use with talking to people who have a home. They have no idea what it's like to seek safety in other people....for home to be wherever you lay your head.

I was always an unusual girl....my mother told me I had a Chameleon soul...no moral compass pointing to north...no fixed personality; just an inner decisiveness that was just wide and is wavering across the ocean. And if I said I didn't plan for it to turn out this way I'd be lying.

Because I was born to be the other woman...I belonged to no-one...who belonged to everyone...who had nothing...who wanted everything.

With a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom...and terrified of it to the point I couldn't talk about it....that pushed me to a point of madness that dazzled and dizzied me....

Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people. And then finally I did – on the open road. We had nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore. Except to make our lives into a work of art. 

Live fast. Die young. Be wild. And have fun. 

I believe in the country America used to be. 

I believe in the person I want to become. I believe in the freedom of the open road. And that motto is the same as ever. I believe in the kindness of strangers, 

and when I’m at war with myself, I ride. I just ride. Who

 are you? Are you in touch with all of your darkest 

fantasies? Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them? I have. I am f*cking crazy. But I am free."

-Lana Del Rey

Lana Del Rey has definitely become my newest obsession her music is inspiring,raw and so truthful. I love the edge it brings its so real check her out!

Is it the fall time for me to revisit the past

The inspiration I had for writing has been a bit toiled with, my life being on this constant roller coaster of emotions there's no stopping and lately I've wanted nothing but off this ride. I realize when I don't sit down and try to put what exactly it is i'm feeling into words its all gets lost and spun around in my mind and I begin to start living in the feelings.The consistency in my feelings are gone one day I can be extremely happy and the next I want nothing more than to just lay in bed all day. All summer I've been truly trying to find something that makes me happy I want that beautiful place that I can get lost in that safe zone. I have been so hesitant to get involved with anyone since all the fails that I've encountered and some take it as me thinking i'm to good, or not good enough when really it has nothing to do with either or i protect my heart because if i dont who will and i know you shouldn't blame your past and what could happen now its just hard to take that leap of faith when you've had so many screw ups... at this point i feel like i wouldn't even know if love real walked into my life cause ive just lost that part of me i feel like im romantically and emotionally handicap and I want nothing more than to re-discover that. what's a life if your living it alone. To love is to live, i feel like everyone else is moving forward in different parts of their lives and im still just here and i don't know if its me or is this part of God's plan i know he would never put me through anything i couldn't handle and i know he's making me stronger cause i can go through all this i feel like ive been coping with it just fine im just sick and tired of always being the one who has to loose in the end in every situation it has been completely bittersweet; the best way i could describe it the fact that it was sooo sweet and each time i indulged each and every bit of me completely and i fell every time and it was bitter because it would come down to that moment of  truth and i couldn't have it. I want all of life I wanna wake up every day and love life for every thing that it is. I wanna never miss an opportunity to be thankful and feel blessed because I am. There is always some one who has it worse than you. some times its just hard to remember to keep praying, to keep the faith cause when all else fails all you have left is your faith so never stop believing. Most importantly dont stop loving, love when it hurts, love when you feel you have no more to give and love some one who needs that love more than you. Dont wait for the reward to follow do it because it make your heart to happy to make others happy. In this world there are so many who love to see you fail and break you down, in some sick way i'll never understand people pry off that. Even the people who I dislike i try my hardest to ignore it cause if they arent talking to you they're talking about you, I love seeing people succeed especially the ones who deserve it and work hard for it. Just continue to strive for the best for yourself!

FOLLOW ME @NIGELXO

Don't have no time to waste

I owe so much to God today after 4 months of being confused, I finally reached a point of im really ok with this situation and looking back to where I began I never thought i'd get thru it. In my mind I was so convinced that it was different, and it was, it cut me a different way, when it healed it made me that much stronger.God,with out him I dont know where I'd be when I think I can't he always proves I can, today after I finally got the closure that I needed regardless of what I was told was true or not I needed that. To where I can close that chapter of my life and finally be free of it and accept it for what it really is.

I understand that from our day to day so much goes on that we worry about things that arent important if we just let things play out the way that they're suppose to and let God work his love, faith will step in and handle the rest. When's the last time you were at cross road in life and were completely happy with who you were as a person I feel like i've dealt with some difficult situations recently but it hasn't taken my faith away if anything those certain scenarios have been weeded out to make my life easier to live, never miss an opportunity to be thankful. Life is beautiful, embrace it, I could sit here and live the way that I was and lock myself away, and be negative and angry or I can live and let live and smile as often as I can and remember I can only hurt as much as I allow myself to and I will not hurt anymore this is what life is about living, learning and growing from learning. Pain is part of the process only to make you stronger, You've been given all the tools you just have to use them.

The hard truth is that, chances are your relationship isn't going to last through your teen years. Even if it seems like it will, we all want to believe in miraculous love, and yes it exists and you may find it when you're young but chances are something will happen, the hope will remain but a situation will arise that overwhelms the ability to be together with unbreakable obstacles, LET GO this is where GOD steps in if GOD wants you two to be together one of you could go to the moon and back you'd still end up on the same path as each other in due time LET GO, LET GOD his plans for your life are more incredible than yours  .

A dream is a wish your heart makes

A dream is a wish your heart makes

When you're fast asleep

In dreams you lose your heartaches

Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday

Your rainbow will come smiling thru

No matter how your heart is grieving

If you keep on believing

the dream that you wish will come true

Have you ever truly thought about this little quote or analyzed it from our childhood."A dream is a wish your heart makes." Its always been subliminal background music to disney, not till now have I realized how true it is. In a dream you think or act out what the heart wants most dreams are our subconscious (which I believe is your heart, considering at anytime that voice of reason comes around and your mind is thinking one thing, but your heart is telling you another; "subconscious") Before bed you think about the day or what you want,need or even things that hurt and you pray about it your thinking and than you start dreaming. Is this your heart telling you what it wants most? In my case my mind is steady telling my heart to shut the fuck up. I never believed this more than now, I've been having a series of dreams and sometimes those dreams I wish were the reality of things, because as far as real life goes it could never happen that way EVER again. "So if this love only exists in my dreams, then don't wake me up." Maybe I've lost my mind, and have completely gone crazy, but whatever it is i'm admiring the beauty of dreaming. It gives you the hope, "if you keep believing the dream that you wish will come true."

Since you've been gone loves been M.I.A.

chris brown:)

thoughts.random thoughts.

Once upon time life was simple assholes for boyfriends weren't acceptable, people could voice their thoughts and opinions with out being judged.

I forgot how much I love to smile and admire the beauty around me. Today while talking to a friend she told me I was inspiring and sometimes I forget to stop, breathe and remember I am human, and I need to accept that i'm not perfect but, i'm my kind of perfect. I've been thru some crazy things, thru it all I try to smile and get on. I will never let anyone take my joy away ever again, for some reason regardless of all the horrible luck i've had with love I still have hope that one day i'm gonna find someone who completely sweeps me off my feets:) Part of the reason of why i'm so hopeful is I have this amazing strong bond with my family and that unconditional love they give is something I want to share with someone there aren't many people I love so, when I love, I love hard.I'd do anything for those couple few

Part of me blogging has helped me straighten out my feelings considering I kinda suck at putting myself out there. At times if felt as if I was an emotionless monster cause the only feeling that came out was anger.

Being happy is so much easier then being angry. "The most beautiful people are the ones who have gone thru the most traumatic experiences, and thru it all they still manage to keep faith and never stop smiling"

God has blessed me with the strength to get thru each day. Never question his motives his plans are always better than anything you might have in mind he's amazing and his love for us is more than we can imagine.

Holding onto hope.

"when will I see you again, you left with no goodbye not a single word was said, when was the last time you thought of me or have you completely erased me from your memory."

A moment, a chance that opportunity waiting around the corner all have the drastic ability to change your life in an instant if you take that chance it's crazy how something that can seem so small and insignificant can change you in ways unimaginable, and the part that trips me out the most is that you don't even realize its happening. I fell into the victim of new and for once all those feeling that I thought id never get back happened all over again,rushing and consuming me quickly with everything. 

What am I doing

What are we doing

We started here but now we're way over there

Where is the rush is it still there

You're my new the exciting the different 

Or are you really the same 

I feel like once you've had one you've had them all

The truth... after a while they all feel the same

Whats happening between us 

Am I just your every now and again source of entertainment

I told you everything you needed to know

Because you weren't him

I let all my fears go and dove in head first

I'm dedicating all this time when I really shouldn't be

Its way to early for mistakes 

Do you really mean what you say when no one's around 

The feeling, the physical, the affection 

The coexistence of anyone or anything else and drowned out sound in full room

That was everything, a simple feeling but it was everything

Its like you read me, and the wanting you turns more into a need

Missing you just because, is this what love does

Blinds us all, and rebirths old insecurities 

Takes us away from the truth

When is it right to let go 

This run eneded before it really began

Now all I know is

All I want is you

miss you stranger not one day has gone by that I haven't thought of you,or been caught in a moment thinking of what was as oppose to what is. My heart hurts and its a reminder i miss you. Opportunity granted me you and chance led me here with the purest heart my good intentions resulted into you bad decisions. Now we're here stuck...How can you be attached to something that almost never was,I should be over it and I DO know better but its just not the case. I'll always wonder what if and why. Have you really just become the one that got away?

I'm gonna need a moment, cause moments last forever.

The realest thing anyone has ever said to me or about me touched my heart in so many different ways...

" Your problem is you get attached fast, and once you're attached to someone you do everything you can to please them, and make them happy, its never about what you want its always everyone's needs before your own, you give out to many chances to people who don't deserve it, they take advantage of you, and you become a pushover, but you're okay with that because they're still in your life, and that's all you ever really wanted, and even if they screw you over you'll still be there for them because that's YOU, that's who you are, once you get attached to someone they have a hold on your heart, and they now always have a place there and that's why its so hard for you to let go you need to protect yourself not everyone is like you."

The world is such a cruel place you never really know someones intention with you, I've been caught in an emotional battle with trying to figure out what I'm doing, the way I've been trying to deal with it is embracing each moment and taking it for what it is...but how can you do that when eventually more time is spent, more intimate conversations are shared and feelings grow. You catch yourself thinking about moments you wish you could go back to,moments are everything and lately the moments that I've encountered have been stuck clouding out all my other thoughts. My hearts involved, all i'm needing is the word. So either attachment or detachment can happen. 

not unless your hearts in it...

I've been striving for the zen and more in things lately. May started so exciting I fell into new and celebrated so much time with family, so many good memories were made than in a blink of an eye you almost feel as if everything just falls apart, I wanted nothing more than to embrace a moment for everything it was I put my all into it as I do in everything I do why do it if its not whole heartedly. I always try to find the good in people and lend that helping hand in any one in need not because I have to but because it makes me feel good that I can, my best friend and I were talk and she said "Your just non-judgemental, you always try to save everyone, but dont change its not you, not everyone is like you, YOU JUST NEED TO LEARN HOW TO PROTECT YOUR HEART MORE." When she said that last part of me protecting my heart it spoke to me so much, because my intentions are always for the good I try to ignore all the negativity m heart is pure and for that reason I find that people find it easy to take advantage of me. I refuse to be that fool anymore, I will continue to be the kind loving person who always wants to help but in a different way, I never ask for anything in return but for your kindness, mind and sometimes even your heart. I was blessed to have the window of opportunity to make things happen so why not be that for someone else.

a fool in lust.

I dont expect anyone to understand, the reason why I do things the way I do them, lately I've embraced every situation the best I know how, for me thats new im always the preserved one who'll take the quiet safe route just so nobody gets hurt. The one time I step out and actually live a little everyone around me freaks out, Im not expecting to fall in love over night I just want to be me, I feel stuck with no personal space a part of that is my fault for wanting to share with everyone how im feeling or my current joy, in that ive ended up here where I always do where the thrill is gone,and I find myself looking for the nearest exit, the escape route im looking for is due to the ones who say they love me, you dont have to understand but accepting it would be nice...I guess the way I feel is everyone keeps bring up my past saying it was better you have no idea how miserable and unhappy I was having someone always over shadow you and make you feel not good enough, I only let you see what I wanted you to you dont truly fully dont know the reality or the truth to what was. You saw the outside of the show that was put on...that even I fell for, you all dont know how much I hurt from that, part of the reason why I am the way I am is because of all that no one understands me or how I operate, im fed up with everyones input. I'm looking for a way out.

Don't judge me now, i'm not trying to hurt you,

 I know this wont make you proud.

Did I let you down, are you ashamed of how I turned out

You see a monster I see a smile 

you say its danger and i'm in denial

somehow I feel so safe right now...

 so I guess i'm a fool.

simplicity.

Sometimes the simple can mean the most, it really is the little things that makes life count. I was reminded of that this week when I actually got to thinking and sitting down and just simply being able to breathe. Opportunity is usual around the corner waiting its up to you wether or not you take that leap of faith. I have fallen into the victim of new i'm enjoying its perks but i'm dreading the repetition of what new becomes after a while old...and kind of the same.

lust.

Q&A

I finally got around to answering some questions ill try to get to more later if you didnt post a name with your question i'll post your blog name :)

Mrlikeaboss said: Where are you from your a beautiful lady whats your background?

(blushing) thank you kindly:) I'm from Seattle born and raised my ethnicity is Fijian.

Furiouso said: I heart you and vivid notion...not a question lol

Thanks love, I heart you back! funny I always tell my friends I heart them I thought I was the only one who used that expression:)

Lindsay said: Hiyaaa! on your very first post you said you share this blog with your best friend how come she never posts, and what happen to the guy who use to post things on here too?

Hello boo! she just never got around to it and my brother he's a bit of a slacker lol

MissDope said: You should do a makeup tutorial your pictures always look flawless

thank you thats very sweet, I think yess! possibly in the future.

KushKandy said: You know the owner of the business link you posted to DayandNightInc.?

Yes sweetie we know each other very well

Jake said: By the was you put your words, you seem like a smart woman do you have an higher level of education besides like high school?

aww shmankss:) Yes currently i'm attending university to complete a degree in dental.

Umrvnie said: Were you friends with your ex before you started dating?

He was friends with me.

Eriza said: HIIIIIIIII I love your blog, I like how you do your own thing i dont trust females so how do you do it do you prefer big groups of people or close couples?

thank you thank you :D I have a close couple friends that I hang with and I trust with everything thats just how I do it.

Oblivion said: I love the pictures you post you should put more up and do you have twitter,instagram or tumblr?

thank you darling:) yes,yes and no.

Sissy210 said: Are you rich you go on all these trips everywhere what do you do I wanna be young rich and travel too

Everything I want.

Trynnabequeens said: You inspire me so much I havent quite figured out why,keep on hustling girlie:) and please check out my blog please follow me!

You made my heart smile beautiful! I will

I have ignored all the other posts from anonymous people because for one they usually have something negative to say because there to coward to come out and say it with there actually name and this is a prime example why

Anonymous said: Have you ever wondered why you need so much attention? Do you think its because of you"ex-boyfriend issues" with you being a whore and all...Taking pictures alone and posting them on your blog is weird only because you post them and then seem to take yourself seriously afterwards. Do you do that just for the heck of it honestly or is it because the people who admire your online persona are than able to provide more attention to your whining rant about loving yourself when you obviously don't cause you post shit for the whole world to see your just fake.

Its obviously not me who has a problem in this situation...WHY ARE YOU WATCHING ME?!?!?!!? let me ask YOU since I have no idea who you are but seem to know me so well,you're stating 'I crave attention", and I also love the fact you threw " ex bf issues" there, either way that was a lucky guess or you must've really done your research, i'm gonna go with option 2

LMAO weird I take pictures of myself and try to take myself seriously,its people like you who will continually try to break people down because your unhappy with yourself, what about you? what do you like to do, STALK ME! no one online "admires me," if they make themselves known to me, has it occurred to you I compliment them back and enjoy reading others posts too from tweets and blogs. Its either you see the good in people or you don't, looks to me your my only admirer here.

 go deal with whatever it is I supposedly did to you, and stop taking it out on me, i'll pray for you tonight.

Jane asked: Do you style you hair with heat everyday?

I really try not to most days I just go natural 

Thank you guys soo much!

so lately i've been getting alot of emails asking why I haven't updated, or even for my advice and questions! This makes me happy for alot of different reasons thanks for supporting my thoughts and I feel great that people actually read my blog, and tell me there inspired by it,its very sweet:) so you have the opportunity to ask me questions and by the end of next week I'll post them up with answers thanks guys!

oxoxRanita

spring.

Everyone looks forward to the spring, fresh new relationships tend to bloom in the spring to carry out and be summer romances and if your lucky that love affair last thru the winter and sometimes forever. 

I miss the excitement and fresh feeling that new brings, that feeling you get in your stomach of butterflies, everything just seems more beautiful. Your happy, you just cant explain it. Whats even best  is when the feelings mutual, new love is one of the more glorious things, you start all over with someone different, you relearn and try to undo things from the past, the most common mistake is bringing the past into something new, its hard to forget an old routine when its all you've known for so long like as for me being in the same relationship for the past 4 years I don't know anything else I miss having certain things but i'm no where near ready to try being with someone else, being alone is whats best for me i'm loving myself and my personal space so as of now my love life is nonexistent, dating is scary and awkward, I'm just not ready. Emotionally i'm checked out and doing me. The spring is best for fresh new starts not even with love but all aspects of your life!

Do something for you!

Make you and God your best friends God is pretty amazing and anything you feel like you cant deal with depend on him he'll take care of you, just pray he loves you more than anyone will.

Join a class

Go back to school and try something you've always thought about

join a gym

go for walks and enjoy the beauty of life around you

life tends to pass ALOT easier when you do it with a smile

get  to know yourself, love you no one else can make you happy and I cant stress that enough don't depend on anyone to make you happy learn to be independent for yourself, nothing should come between you and your happiness don't let anyone hold you back and tell you, you cant. cause you can!

From personal experience people are always gonna talk and its not because your doing wrong, its because they have nothing better going on in their lives so all they know how to do is gossip, in some sick way putting someone else down makes them feel better ,but don't worry about those losers. Just do you! Fake people are among us all the time and the worst is when its the people closest to you, but take that as a lesson learned forgive and keep it pushing with a smile on your face, kill them with kindness that hate seeing you succeed. 

For once in my life I'm actually doing all the things I want, I've held myself back for so long for all the wrong reasons and really 2012 has been the year where i'm really learning to love myself and do things that make me happy and not really caring what people have to say, I've learned who my true friends are and they know who they are, i trust them with my life and theres not many I can say that about my relationship with my family has been better than ever I'm truly blessed for all I have in life, Im a luck girl and sometimes you just need to stop and realize everything you do have instead of complaining about the things you don't, and again nothing that is going on in my life is possible without God so he deserves all the credit he truly is so amazing. I haven't always been this way it took me a long time to get to where im at, a lot of mistakes and really re-learning who I am. I encourage everyone to really try it. LOVE YOURSELF thats unfuckwithable.

so happy spring:) 

xoxo Ranita

eyes thee lowest.

I dont wanna waste time...

chasing a feeling.

all back.

" We were bigger than anything, remember us at our best."

I never thought in my wildest dreams I would be here, without you, you sheltered me from so much,made me who I am, you made me believe all people lie, cheat, hurt and truly sincerely have no feelings except for there own. You were the type who kicked me when I was down and if it didn't benefit you it didn't matter. While it was happening I was so blinded by your pretty words that I was deteriorating inside slowly but surely. I've learned a lot from you and you've also made me stronger I now know what I want and need, no hard feelings at the end of the day first love, first heartbreak, first meaning, first everything. Now i'm at a crossroad when is it appropriate to let go, when is enough really enough, when does the addiction, need, and want go away. I'm strung out waiting for another high in hopes that you'll call, and this time it will be different or maybe you'll actually get it but,than reality takes its course all that's been around is the downfall the withdraws,the feining for more. I don't think you'll ever truly understand what you were to me and have made me, you filled me with all these lies and fed my heart poison to were even if I finally did get it together, in that part of my life I could never open that part of me ever again. You shut me off, i'm checked out of love, this sickness i've created inside of me, of needing you is taking over every part of me i've drowned myself in endless bottles, and smoked to the point of choking on tears with thoughts of you. The love we shared it was love at one point when it became unhealthy and reckless i couldn't tell you it flashed before my eyes when was it ever about me all i know is what we had was different cause im still here and i know your still there you tell me your not ready but im use to it i don't know what you want from me have you really made me believe that i have to have the bad to have the good i know theres more to it we had love and every aspect of it in a song the introduction was every word i felt and flashed back to a memory 4 out of the 7 were bad "its like screaming and no one can hear you almost feel ashamed that someone can be that important that w/o them you feel like nothing no one will ever understand how much it hurts you feel hopeless but nothing can save you and than when its over than its gone you almost wish you could have all that bad stuff back so you can have the good " i think of all the bad and after all those thing happened there were good is that what we were i know we were young but i know somewhere in there you loved me and what we had was real i wanna forgive you for making me feel this anger and animosity towards you it just blows my mind that i can love you so much and be here and to me i feel like you feel as if i was never a factor in your life for the past 4 years as if i was non existent how can someone turn so cold when all i ever did was love and keep loving you i was there from the beginning you forgot i supported all your hopes and dreams that was me who listened to you cry lent you the money gave you the love i was there every step of the way so now if you really wanna act like it was never me i was never there,and if someday we cross paths again and you see me coming do me the favor of turning the other way and not acknowledge me cause surely it will hurt me deeper than it will to you, but I cant stop thinking of you, ever corner i turn i think of you on my walks at the lake i think of you that parking spot that store that restaurant that song that smell that feel that feeling i miss us ill never know what really happen to us they say distance makes the heart grown fonder the proper terminology according to us was more around the basis of out of sight out of mind I miss you stranger cant imagine were you drifted off too…but I want it all back.

hatefreezone.

The things I post are for me I don't need negativity, I hope somewhere someone else reads and is inspired,I hope I've helped someone cause sometimes thats all you need just someone who understands and I know there are others like me, I feel you and don't worry God does have a plan have faith in him believe,its easy to give up but trust me, theres always a lesson learned. He loves you and wants whats best for you so keep your head up.God bless.

if anything my best friend...

I keep finding my inner joy being shuffled against mixed emotions, I was disrespected in my safe zone, my home for the past 4 years going on 5 I've been trying to find the peace and clarity that this relationship gave me and every time I look back I find it wasn't me, it was you...I've done my wrongs and I've learned from it I'm not perfect, but for that one wrong I've had to suffer and continuously be penalized for a mistake that i've learned and grew from most importantly didn't make again. As for you, I always begged you to stay, I was the one to fix it, I was the one who did everything in my power to make it work even while you were away. Yet you still seem to hold this one thing over my head, I think back to all the times I felt emotionally raped and battered by your words, sometimes even your actions, why did I not leave, or turn my back on you...How did I find it within myself to forgive you? For the mistakes that you made sometimes the same ones more than once. How did I not ignore you and make you feel alone...If I sat here and held you accountable for everything you've ever done to me we'd be no where near here, but I always forgave you with open arms, love is the sickest addiction and pure love is the hardest drug, I've witnessed it with you and i'm still trying to wean myself off of it. How can you listen  to people who know nothing about us and just turn and walk away like I was nothing...I may have lost you in a certain form but I know I love you and always will but more than anything you were my best friend someone who I confided in for everything, and you were my everything. You know you can call me for anything whenever...I was always the one you came to first for a piece of mind, i'm glad I could always help.I guess this is goodbye for now, my heart hurts and no one will ever understand so stop trying to make it to where they do, cause they don't you said it yourself.One day you may wake up and realize what you did, but you and I both know no one will ever compare to what we have and no one will ever love you the way I did and go the above and always beyond for you.If anything I lost my best friend, and that feeling right there is indescribable.

"We were bigger than anything,remember us at our best."

thoughts.

So...I lost a little bit of inspiration and have been thinking to far into what i'll write about next, but honestly, I have so many twists and shitty situations that have occurred; on the brighter side shitty situations inspire brilliant solutions, I dont even know where to begin so I'll break it down...

The way that I've been putting people into perspective is awful and the more time that passes with the way I feel about others it doesn't seem to lighten up, its such a cruel mean world, people are really in it for themselves this is nothing new to me something I've always known,just the fact that certain elements just make it a harsher reality to accept. My personal life is really failing to exist the more and more ive tried to keep to myself and be private, others make assumptions and put their suggestions on what my life is about...umm excuse me are you me?...NO! If I dont wanna talk about something I wont ive always been that way, so who are you to say this is what happened or put your twist on something that never really happened, something I need to learn to accept is people will always talk...the cowards who have nothing better to do with their time will talk behind your back and if you feed into some of the cruel things people say it can eat you alive, I've made the mistake to listen but I will never understand how my life effects theirs why would someone try to sabotage something if they know its what makes the other person happy, misery truly loves company Ive completely given up, im emotionally checked out and drained of feelings, I've lived in seattle all my life and I think I'm just ready to get away Ive been doing some research and have some exciting plans ahead of me, come july I'll be ready to start the new chapter of my life and some will never understand but I just dont care anymore its what I want. Without me they really fail to exist its hard to stay positive when you always surrounded by negativity.

I went on a trip to ocean shores with my family over the weekend.

take you down another level, get you dancing with the devil.

"Bring the drugs baby, I can bring my pain, bring your love baby, I can bring my shame."


I was bold,dove in deep, head first with my eyes shut, in any moment of panic you do all you really know how.You numb the feel,the thoughts, the needs and wants you numb the cruel, harsh reality. Time doesn't exist when mixtures and remedies are involved. The day goes by and your sure in each moment you feel full and alive, and your living to the pure extent of life, full of life making all your decisions under and sometimes way above but, you say "you like the thrill, nothings gonna make you feel this real"...oxymoron you cant feel, you have no feelings, anything that may have existed has turned cold and black, its not you, its who you wish to be when you escape, how can you feel so alone and drowned of sound in a room full of people nothing exists but your thoughts who's really behind those hazed red eyes. The peak is the addiction when nothing can touch you, the high keeps you coming back. Then slowly the fall begins everything is setting back in, that lonely, uncomfortable cold feeling that your alone is back and all those things you just ran away from are creeping back up,its almost as if it only got worse. Everything that you thought got left on the peak of the mountain is back ten times harder in impact, maybe this time even more difficult to deal with. Is this what keeps you coming back the disappearance of time. You think you winning but, really your losing since time is one thing you'll never get back. At this point me is who I am trying to save myself from.

you vs. them

It's The Wanting You, Never Getting You
Keeps Me Wanting You, Missing You
Just To Picture You Is What Gets Me Through
Fit For You, I Was Meant For You
What I Was Sent To Do, Meant To Do
Wasn't Meant For You
Hope I Said That Shit Right
Cause If I Never Have You
Then I Could Never Lose You
Do You Know What Might Happen,
If I Decide To Choose You...

xo

lock it all up and throw away the key.

everybody just wants somebody...

sometimes I miss having someone to share my day with all the little in betweens, theres only so much a glass of wine can do for you, writing has become my new thing I've recorded every feeling so far that I couldn't contain, i've turned all those feelings into words, more than 99% of it has been expression of bitterness, anger and sadness I know its ok. Better in than out, this has all become therapeutical for me that I can freely express my feelings and thoughts, its like an overwhelming sigh of relief that at times you feel like you have no one to talk to, or you have people you can talk to but you don't wanna talk about it to stay private and secluded for your heart. I can write what I want and as much as I wanna share to help me without giving to much away. I feel like I deserve this, its become probably one of the most healthiest addictions I've encountered.

If you have to wonder, its not from the heart.

In a perfect world, you would be here certain words wouldn't be exchanged, inspiration for writing wouldn't be expressed through terrible situations that have occurred in life, they say that the people with the coldest hearts were the ones who once had the most sensitive caring hearts, and someone came in an destroyed all that making a heart turn black and cold. A breakdown occurs when someone is consistently pushed over the edge, in my case there aren't many people that I love so when I love, I love hard and pure, people seem to take advantage of how far ill go. I feel like i'm in a lonely uncomfortable place and the worst part about being in a situation like this is feeling like you have no one, I take full advantage of a situation like this to sit down analyze and revaluate the horrid things that have just taken full affect. I'm not one to get caught up in many emotions, and feelings. Regret occurs from time to time...I never buy into it all it does it take me further away from me. I personally wish I had a tactic on dealing with things, I put away certain feelings and thoughts to protect myself and before I know it someone comes around knocks me clear out of the way and all those emotions come squealing out and i'm in the middle of an emotional breakdown, not knowing how to clearly deal with this so many different feelings, thoughts, words. For me caring for someone and loving someone are two different things and when together they go hand in hand, if you love someone that love will be there unconditionally no matter what, to care for someone is more of a in the moment type thing. Getting slapped in the face consistently by someone who say the love AND care about you makes you start to wonder whats really real?... I've been pushed away and now its to the point where I have to prove I made the right decision for myself and really get what I deserve, because I love myself I always put myself first even if it hurts me. I guess as cliche as it sounds I truly "found love in a hopeless place."

So for anyone dealing with an emotion battle amongst yourself stay strong, if you've made it this far you'll be amazed what a little faith and prayer can do. Loving you is the most important thing, you have to want it for yourself and the possibilities after that are endless everyone has a breakdown every now and than its how you let it affect you that counts, get back up focus on you do what makes you happy everything else will fall into place in time.

All Kinds.

"I let them think what they want, if they care enough to bother with what I do, than I'm already better than them."                           -Marilyn Monroe

Let it be...baby, breathe

Further than I've ever been

Last night I was talking with a very close friend, and she is someone I confide in and I can talk to her about absolutely anything and while we talk we just go from topic to topic, its actually quite amusing. We'll be talking about shopping, than all of sudden its about religion and illuminati...How many of us can really say that besides their family they have someone else close to talk to, someone they really trust and really want whats in your best interest, as time has been progressing I've gone thru the weirdest, most crucial reality checks that have come the slimming down of people in my life has really cute down to my family and a few I can count on one hand, and really everyday i'm realizing thats all I need and at this point all I want.

Basically...I was gonna write about one thing but I got to listening to the rain, and my thoughts went else where, I truly love Seattle there's something soothing and comforting about the pouring of rain on the rooftops and windows.

I have a friend who is going thru somethings with her boyfriend, I should say ex-boyfriend, and with this situation it got me to think and in some weird way has taken a toll on me on realizing how far i've come from that. So lets just say that her ex isnt the best guy and theyve been together for a while and I definitely dont condone the way he is with her, but ive always been there, till lately she would continue to go back after a huge disagreement,repeat the same pattern and the outcome would always come out so terrible always worse than the last time. It got to the point where I didnt wanna hear about it anymore and almost to where I threatened our friendship because of it, but that was wrong of me yeah I was sick and tired of hearing how he did this and that to her and she would cry and I hated seeing her like that. I just didnt wanna be around it, I remembered not to long ago a couple months back I was in that horrible situation, I felt like I had NOBODY I felt abandoned,used, confused, hurt, sad angry, I just didnt know where I was at and if I could pull myself thru and me turning my back on her when she needed me most was wrong to even think because that exact situation happened to me, the one person I trusted with everything basically abandoned me. Now when I look back and I see my friend and I was that girl who had no idea where life was gonna take me, I can tell her that I'm further than i've ever been and I'm so happy, I've never loved myself more. All of this happened to me not to long ago, I thought I wouldnt make it, now I look back and see I did it day by day I became stronger and now no one can take that away from me, yes her situation is terrible one but it made me realize that I was her once , I thought I could never get thru it and now look where im at and how happy I am.

Believe in yourself, trust God will make a way... And ALWAYS, ALWAYS LOVE YOURSELF, cause no one can take that away from you.

I have the cutest niece

Babygirl and I had a skype date,we talked about the weekend how I was going to Ellensburg but on Sun. she was all minee! I have the most beautiful, intelligent, aware niece she's truly the biggest blessing she really did come straight from God she is the sweetest, such a big girl she does not want be treated like a baby...hahah I seriously have withdrawals if I don't see her, so we skype and she tells me about her day lol, I got to spend all Sun. with her when I got back from Ellensburg, I picked her up to babysit we listened to Chris Brown on the drive home she LOVES him! I thought she would fall asleep she was awake the whole ride playing with her toy in the back flexing lol she cracks me up, we got home got a fresh diapeyy a bottle we played and skyped with uncle mike she took a long nap! I love spending time with this little person she's my faveee:)

rich forever.

I don't care what anyone says about Rick Ross, Rich Forever is amazing, go listen!

I'm just in one of those moods...

So basically today let me start by saying was shittyyyy! I had the strangest night,not to mention yesterday was Valentines day and the morning started off amazing gifts,love,flowers, recognition and all..than after that,a bottle of red wine was opened the chocolates broke out and so did the tears...lets just say my night did not end well, so I woke up a tad hungover and still pissed off, I was also late for work my tank was on completely empty, just you know all around shitty and I didn't eat breakfast so I was starvinggg...so my lunch break comes around and I try to you know look on the positive side of things but with my luck shit still continues to hit the fan, so all that needs to be said is, I see someone who I dont wanna see and Im gonna speak on that: Because Im a different person now, and I wont allow petty shit like that to get to me, I will always be neutral I will pay you no mind,nor will I be rude. I would just think that after all this time you would get over shit, and have learned not to compete against me cause I will win,I have won... and baby hate to break it to ya i'm still winning! On the brighter side after I thought my day couldn't get worse it actually started to turn around I went to the mall and did some retail therapy bought some cool new things,went back to work and enjoyed the rest of the afternoon outside, came home to find roses siting outside my house<3 It made me realize to stop sweating the stupid stuff and somewhere out there someone loves you and wants you to be happy and is always thinking of you...even when its not valentines day so I got flowers 2 days in a row im a happy girl and theres nothing over here but shmmilleeeesss:)