hatefreezone.

The things I post are for me I don't need negativity, I hope somewhere someone else reads and is inspired,I hope I've helped someone cause sometimes thats all you need just someone who understands and I know there are others like me, I feel you and don't worry God does have a plan have faith in him believe,its easy to give up but trust me, theres always a lesson learned. He loves you and wants whats best for you so keep your head up.God bless.

if anything my best friend...

I keep finding my inner joy being shuffled against mixed emotions, I was disrespected in my safe zone, my home for the past 4 years going on 5 I've been trying to find the peace and clarity that this relationship gave me and every time I look back I find it wasn't me, it was you...I've done my wrongs and I've learned from it I'm not perfect, but for that one wrong I've had to suffer and continuously be penalized for a mistake that i've learned and grew from most importantly didn't make again. As for you, I always begged you to stay, I was the one to fix it, I was the one who did everything in my power to make it work even while you were away. Yet you still seem to hold this one thing over my head, I think back to all the times I felt emotionally raped and battered by your words, sometimes even your actions, why did I not leave, or turn my back on you...How did I find it within myself to forgive you? For the mistakes that you made sometimes the same ones more than once. How did I not ignore you and make you feel alone...If I sat here and held you accountable for everything you've ever done to me we'd be no where near here, but I always forgave you with open arms, love is the sickest addiction and pure love is the hardest drug, I've witnessed it with you and i'm still trying to wean myself off of it. How can you listen  to people who know nothing about us and just turn and walk away like I was nothing...I may have lost you in a certain form but I know I love you and always will but more than anything you were my best friend someone who I confided in for everything, and you were my everything. You know you can call me for anything whenever...I was always the one you came to first for a piece of mind, i'm glad I could always help.I guess this is goodbye for now, my heart hurts and no one will ever understand so stop trying to make it to where they do, cause they don't you said it yourself.One day you may wake up and realize what you did, but you and I both know no one will ever compare to what we have and no one will ever love you the way I did and go the above and always beyond for you.If anything I lost my best friend, and that feeling right there is indescribable.

"We were bigger than anything,remember us at our best."

thoughts.

So...I lost a little bit of inspiration and have been thinking to far into what i'll write about next, but honestly, I have so many twists and shitty situations that have occurred; on the brighter side shitty situations inspire brilliant solutions, I dont even know where to begin so I'll break it down...

The way that I've been putting people into perspective is awful and the more time that passes with the way I feel about others it doesn't seem to lighten up, its such a cruel mean world, people are really in it for themselves this is nothing new to me something I've always known,just the fact that certain elements just make it a harsher reality to accept. My personal life is really failing to exist the more and more ive tried to keep to myself and be private, others make assumptions and put their suggestions on what my life is about...umm excuse me are you me?...NO! If I dont wanna talk about something I wont ive always been that way, so who are you to say this is what happened or put your twist on something that never really happened, something I need to learn to accept is people will always talk...the cowards who have nothing better to do with their time will talk behind your back and if you feed into some of the cruel things people say it can eat you alive, I've made the mistake to listen but I will never understand how my life effects theirs why would someone try to sabotage something if they know its what makes the other person happy, misery truly loves company Ive completely given up, im emotionally checked out and drained of feelings, I've lived in seattle all my life and I think I'm just ready to get away Ive been doing some research and have some exciting plans ahead of me, come july I'll be ready to start the new chapter of my life and some will never understand but I just dont care anymore its what I want. Without me they really fail to exist its hard to stay positive when you always surrounded by negativity.

I went on a trip to ocean shores with my family over the weekend.

take you down another level, get you dancing with the devil.

"Bring the drugs baby, I can bring my pain, bring your love baby, I can bring my shame."


I was bold,dove in deep, head first with my eyes shut, in any moment of panic you do all you really know how.You numb the feel,the thoughts, the needs and wants you numb the cruel, harsh reality. Time doesn't exist when mixtures and remedies are involved. The day goes by and your sure in each moment you feel full and alive, and your living to the pure extent of life, full of life making all your decisions under and sometimes way above but, you say "you like the thrill, nothings gonna make you feel this real"...oxymoron you cant feel, you have no feelings, anything that may have existed has turned cold and black, its not you, its who you wish to be when you escape, how can you feel so alone and drowned of sound in a room full of people nothing exists but your thoughts who's really behind those hazed red eyes. The peak is the addiction when nothing can touch you, the high keeps you coming back. Then slowly the fall begins everything is setting back in, that lonely, uncomfortable cold feeling that your alone is back and all those things you just ran away from are creeping back up,its almost as if it only got worse. Everything that you thought got left on the peak of the mountain is back ten times harder in impact, maybe this time even more difficult to deal with. Is this what keeps you coming back the disappearance of time. You think you winning but, really your losing since time is one thing you'll never get back. At this point me is who I am trying to save myself from.

you vs. them

It's The Wanting You, Never Getting You
Keeps Me Wanting You, Missing You
Just To Picture You Is What Gets Me Through
Fit For You, I Was Meant For You
What I Was Sent To Do, Meant To Do
Wasn't Meant For You
Hope I Said That Shit Right
Cause If I Never Have You
Then I Could Never Lose You
Do You Know What Might Happen,
If I Decide To Choose You...

xo

lock it all up and throw away the key.

everybody just wants somebody...

sometimes I miss having someone to share my day with all the little in betweens, theres only so much a glass of wine can do for you, writing has become my new thing I've recorded every feeling so far that I couldn't contain, i've turned all those feelings into words, more than 99% of it has been expression of bitterness, anger and sadness I know its ok. Better in than out, this has all become therapeutical for me that I can freely express my feelings and thoughts, its like an overwhelming sigh of relief that at times you feel like you have no one to talk to, or you have people you can talk to but you don't wanna talk about it to stay private and secluded for your heart. I can write what I want and as much as I wanna share to help me without giving to much away. I feel like I deserve this, its become probably one of the most healthiest addictions I've encountered.

If you have to wonder, its not from the heart.

In a perfect world, you would be here certain words wouldn't be exchanged, inspiration for writing wouldn't be expressed through terrible situations that have occurred in life, they say that the people with the coldest hearts were the ones who once had the most sensitive caring hearts, and someone came in an destroyed all that making a heart turn black and cold. A breakdown occurs when someone is consistently pushed over the edge, in my case there aren't many people that I love so when I love, I love hard and pure, people seem to take advantage of how far ill go. I feel like i'm in a lonely uncomfortable place and the worst part about being in a situation like this is feeling like you have no one, I take full advantage of a situation like this to sit down analyze and revaluate the horrid things that have just taken full affect. I'm not one to get caught up in many emotions, and feelings. Regret occurs from time to time...I never buy into it all it does it take me further away from me. I personally wish I had a tactic on dealing with things, I put away certain feelings and thoughts to protect myself and before I know it someone comes around knocks me clear out of the way and all those emotions come squealing out and i'm in the middle of an emotional breakdown, not knowing how to clearly deal with this so many different feelings, thoughts, words. For me caring for someone and loving someone are two different things and when together they go hand in hand, if you love someone that love will be there unconditionally no matter what, to care for someone is more of a in the moment type thing. Getting slapped in the face consistently by someone who say the love AND care about you makes you start to wonder whats really real?... I've been pushed away and now its to the point where I have to prove I made the right decision for myself and really get what I deserve, because I love myself I always put myself first even if it hurts me. I guess as cliche as it sounds I truly "found love in a hopeless place."

So for anyone dealing with an emotion battle amongst yourself stay strong, if you've made it this far you'll be amazed what a little faith and prayer can do. Loving you is the most important thing, you have to want it for yourself and the possibilities after that are endless everyone has a breakdown every now and than its how you let it affect you that counts, get back up focus on you do what makes you happy everything else will fall into place in time.