Bitter is the Sweetest Part

As easy it is for me to put my feelings into words sometimes its scary to share it with the world. But the fact that I put it out there is not for any one to judge this is my space to share my thoughts,feelings and hope that has saved me to inspire to help someone else.

Here it is its the fall again, always always always get to this point of the year where time just seems to fly by. The past year has been crazy for me I can honestly say that all ive done is continue to learn who I am. If I could say anything to the me of last November I wouldn't say anything because at that point in time I was the happiest I have ever been I fully did exactly what I wanted when I wanted to, I focused on my happiness it was the most beautiful experience of my life. Is it selfish to say I wasn't in a relationship or even involved with anyone so my happiness was the only happiness, maybe I've just come to learning to perfecting me and involving anyone else in the equation has made fall in t panic mode when I feel im not getting the respect I know I deserve, never will I settle for less ever never ever again. Here I am come November again questioning what the fuck I'm doing, and if i'm really happy? Today while at starbucks I heard a song by Adele called chasing pavements and I felt my life unraveling in the song "should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements." Everyone questions themselves of the riddle life throws at us. I know what I want, I wish to share that with someone who believes in what they want as well. I want an unselfish love where it should never be a question to what we need together it will always be us together thru anything. People need to understand that a functioning relationship takes both partners giving themselves wholly,fully and selfishly. Im not perfect at relationships obviously, if I was im pretty sure i'd still be in a functioning one. But what I'e learned from all the screwups is what NOT to do. So, yes lets not make those mistakes lets take what you know didnt work and what I know and put it together like a perfect equation. as corny and cliche as that may sound that is how the best one tend to work.

your still the one that I adore.

I wrote this months ago, and am finally deciding to post it, this was my deepest feelings that I could not reach to in the course of confusion. I have finally learned to let this situation be, my sanity is finally at ease.  

"the most difficult but greatest love, is to love from a distance in hopes of happiness for whom you love but cannot attain."

I shared the most beautiful freeing friendship with someone who I loved wholly in every aspect. Learning the deepest darkest corners of their mind only made me cherish their heart even more. When I thought I was teaching them, they were teaching me to passionately put my all into what ever is I do and to always in all ways want more because good is never good enough. I often catch myself thinking about you un-intentionally and wonder what exactly was that had happened between us. Maybe it was a real love that we'll never experience,a  true friendship in who i confided every bit of my soul to, or it was all an illusion for a moment of time to learn from, I try so hard to believe and convince myself of the second one, but all in all no lessons were really learned. I know neither one us planned for it to work out like this but it did. I in so many ways I tried to save our friendship as I know you also did, not in the sense that it was falling apart but in the context that we so badly needed to have each other around even if it wasn't the way we wanted we forced to have this friendship, I often think of you as my soul mate not one in which I was deeply,madly,crazy obsessed in love with but the person who I could talk to for hours and never grow bored of, someone who i trusted with my everything, the same person who experienced my lows and highs with me, every detail of my life that I ever felt mattered I was always delighted to share with you…if anything my best friend.In all honesty i know you entrusted with me so many conversations we had about your life that I always wished I could do more for you but the fact that you shared apart of you with me I knew was enough.  "I think at the end when its all over it just comes back in flashes you know? its like kaleidoscope of memories."  Other times I sit and think is it worth it to even remember something that almost never was if here I am and we shared this friendship that was mutual but I have yet to hear from you I thought you would've called by now…& you haven't so maybe you have all put all this behind you and It really is what it is.

I left this notebook open, I thought at some point during the week I would have the thoughts to put all of this into words and end this blog, but when I actually think back to the week every time I thought about exactly how I was gonna end this all it did was hurt me a little. Today here I am finally just letting it go as Im typing the last bits of my feelings of this situation, im leaving it here in this. I need to accept what has happened and remind myself not to get caught up in the what if's and let God take his course on this situation and let it go. He from the beginning had a plan for you and I, I so selfishly let my feelings for you take over what that plan was and did everything in my power to keep it here. I haven't learned what your purpose was in my life yet, except that it hurt when you disappeared. so I'll continue to love you from this distance and hope nothing but the best for you cause you truly deserve it. & i hope from time to time you think  about me and remember that moment in time we got to encounter in life and i hope you think of me as someone who never wanted anything but the best for you and that i genuinely loved you in every way the best i knew how, ill cherish those memories. lately its been the best way to get thru a bad day is to just remember . ill try my hardest not to be selfish and hold on.

castles.kings&queens.

Thinking. I think I need to think about thinking.
sometimes it can be exhausting to be caught in a thought within a thought, that leads to more thought.

soul searching exists when the days get longer and champagne over pours thy glass.
writing is freeing,creativity spills in raw,uncut emotions that unveil into words; does every feeling become a letter to form a verb, nouns only reside where love can be found a person, place or thing. lately I've been filled with adjectives; extremely,heavy,impossible etc...

God only knows why it's taking me so long. He may be  running short on lessons with me, I cant seem to forgive my past. I keep making the same mistake persistently.

but when I can articulate the heftiness of this over weight heart, life seems simple when I can manifest my premonition the freeing,vacant notion that I become overwhelmed with is indescribable.

as for the can't touch raunchiness that I can't pull out i'll be in touch soon.


I need to stop believing in people so much and pivot into my I's...

ughh. PAUSE. (breathe)

That simple.

The End.

blk&blu

It's almost been a year to date of this blog being everything I needed. Its ridiculous to think all this time has gone by and nothings really changed, scrolling thru the different posts made me realize everything is changed and embarking on a new year will make the journey that I just came thru as real as it gets. I wanna thank any one who's read and commented and I still receive emails about how I've inspired someone and that feeling is everything to know that someone else in the world felt maybe the way I did and i helped them by explaining that hope is real.

So far in my life the oh very complicated life I live, i've been struck by a series of unfortunate events not only with affairs of the heart but just how cruel the world can be and being so caught up in feeling its a deep deep hurt I have. Sometimes I feel as if I do all these "good deeds" and acts of kindness from the bottom of my heart in the most sincere way, for not anything in return but knowing I made a difference for someone else. I feel like due to this my faith constantly is being tested I believe there IS God, I believe he loves me but I don't why I've had to endure so much pain. I often wonder where all these lessons come from its always a blessing in disguise but I can't say it hurts any less. People always ask me "how do you just shut people out you make it look so easy, you can just completely shut someone down as if they never even existed in your world,you can continue on with your day with a smile as if nothing hurts you like you dont have a care in the world" I responded Ive been heart so many times, that you just learn to cope it becomes a natural habit as eating and sleeping are.Truth to that, I care,I probably care to much but showing that emotion is a sign of weakness, and when someone knows you're weak they take your vulnerability for granted, I won't let the world make me cold,everything I do, I do it whole heartedly knowing there's a chance I may be hurt, but the fact being in the end regardless if I get hurt or not I know I put my all into it.

It's sad to see people lack the passion and drive for new experiences because they go on what they know ignorance lingers everywhere. Knowledge is power,learning is such a beautiful thing. Learning something new and applying it to life for the first time brings a simple joy, just as a child learns to write a letter for the first time. Freeing your mind is never enough. If the world knew more would accidents happen?