chris brown:)

thoughts.random thoughts.

Once upon time life was simple assholes for boyfriends weren't acceptable, people could voice their thoughts and opinions with out being judged.

I forgot how much I love to smile and admire the beauty around me. Today while talking to a friend she told me I was inspiring and sometimes I forget to stop, breathe and remember I am human, and I need to accept that i'm not perfect but, i'm my kind of perfect. I've been thru some crazy things, thru it all I try to smile and get on. I will never let anyone take my joy away ever again, for some reason regardless of all the horrible luck i've had with love I still have hope that one day i'm gonna find someone who completely sweeps me off my feets:) Part of the reason of why i'm so hopeful is I have this amazing strong bond with my family and that unconditional love they give is something I want to share with someone there aren't many people I love so, when I love, I love hard.I'd do anything for those couple few

Part of me blogging has helped me straighten out my feelings considering I kinda suck at putting myself out there. At times if felt as if I was an emotionless monster cause the only feeling that came out was anger.

Being happy is so much easier then being angry. "The most beautiful people are the ones who have gone thru the most traumatic experiences, and thru it all they still manage to keep faith and never stop smiling"

God has blessed me with the strength to get thru each day. Never question his motives his plans are always better than anything you might have in mind he's amazing and his love for us is more than we can imagine.

Holding onto hope.

"when will I see you again, you left with no goodbye not a single word was said, when was the last time you thought of me or have you completely erased me from your memory."

A moment, a chance that opportunity waiting around the corner all have the drastic ability to change your life in an instant if you take that chance it's crazy how something that can seem so small and insignificant can change you in ways unimaginable, and the part that trips me out the most is that you don't even realize its happening. I fell into the victim of new and for once all those feeling that I thought id never get back happened all over again,rushing and consuming me quickly with everything. 

What am I doing

What are we doing

We started here but now we're way over there

Where is the rush is it still there

You're my new the exciting the different 

Or are you really the same 

I feel like once you've had one you've had them all

The truth... after a while they all feel the same

Whats happening between us 

Am I just your every now and again source of entertainment

I told you everything you needed to know

Because you weren't him

I let all my fears go and dove in head first

I'm dedicating all this time when I really shouldn't be

Its way to early for mistakes 

Do you really mean what you say when no one's around 

The feeling, the physical, the affection 

The coexistence of anyone or anything else and drowned out sound in full room

That was everything, a simple feeling but it was everything

Its like you read me, and the wanting you turns more into a need

Missing you just because, is this what love does

Blinds us all, and rebirths old insecurities 

Takes us away from the truth

When is it right to let go 

This run eneded before it really began

Now all I know is

All I want is you

miss you stranger not one day has gone by that I haven't thought of you,or been caught in a moment thinking of what was as oppose to what is. My heart hurts and its a reminder i miss you. Opportunity granted me you and chance led me here with the purest heart my good intentions resulted into you bad decisions. Now we're here stuck...How can you be attached to something that almost never was,I should be over it and I DO know better but its just not the case. I'll always wonder what if and why. Have you really just become the one that got away?

I'm gonna need a moment, cause moments last forever.

The realest thing anyone has ever said to me or about me touched my heart in so many different ways...

" Your problem is you get attached fast, and once you're attached to someone you do everything you can to please them, and make them happy, its never about what you want its always everyone's needs before your own, you give out to many chances to people who don't deserve it, they take advantage of you, and you become a pushover, but you're okay with that because they're still in your life, and that's all you ever really wanted, and even if they screw you over you'll still be there for them because that's YOU, that's who you are, once you get attached to someone they have a hold on your heart, and they now always have a place there and that's why its so hard for you to let go you need to protect yourself not everyone is like you."

The world is such a cruel place you never really know someones intention with you, I've been caught in an emotional battle with trying to figure out what I'm doing, the way I've been trying to deal with it is embracing each moment and taking it for what it is...but how can you do that when eventually more time is spent, more intimate conversations are shared and feelings grow. You catch yourself thinking about moments you wish you could go back to,moments are everything and lately the moments that I've encountered have been stuck clouding out all my other thoughts. My hearts involved, all i'm needing is the word. So either attachment or detachment can happen. 

not unless your hearts in it...

I've been striving for the zen and more in things lately. May started so exciting I fell into new and celebrated so much time with family, so many good memories were made than in a blink of an eye you almost feel as if everything just falls apart, I wanted nothing more than to embrace a moment for everything it was I put my all into it as I do in everything I do why do it if its not whole heartedly. I always try to find the good in people and lend that helping hand in any one in need not because I have to but because it makes me feel good that I can, my best friend and I were talk and she said "Your just non-judgemental, you always try to save everyone, but dont change its not you, not everyone is like you, YOU JUST NEED TO LEARN HOW TO PROTECT YOUR HEART MORE." When she said that last part of me protecting my heart it spoke to me so much, because my intentions are always for the good I try to ignore all the negativity m heart is pure and for that reason I find that people find it easy to take advantage of me. I refuse to be that fool anymore, I will continue to be the kind loving person who always wants to help but in a different way, I never ask for anything in return but for your kindness, mind and sometimes even your heart. I was blessed to have the window of opportunity to make things happen so why not be that for someone else.

a fool in lust.

I dont expect anyone to understand, the reason why I do things the way I do them, lately I've embraced every situation the best I know how, for me thats new im always the preserved one who'll take the quiet safe route just so nobody gets hurt. The one time I step out and actually live a little everyone around me freaks out, Im not expecting to fall in love over night I just want to be me, I feel stuck with no personal space a part of that is my fault for wanting to share with everyone how im feeling or my current joy, in that ive ended up here where I always do where the thrill is gone,and I find myself looking for the nearest exit, the escape route im looking for is due to the ones who say they love me, you dont have to understand but accepting it would be nice...I guess the way I feel is everyone keeps bring up my past saying it was better you have no idea how miserable and unhappy I was having someone always over shadow you and make you feel not good enough, I only let you see what I wanted you to you dont truly fully dont know the reality or the truth to what was. You saw the outside of the show that was put on...that even I fell for, you all dont know how much I hurt from that, part of the reason why I am the way I am is because of all that no one understands me or how I operate, im fed up with everyones input. I'm looking for a way out.

Don't judge me now, i'm not trying to hurt you,

 I know this wont make you proud.

Did I let you down, are you ashamed of how I turned out

You see a monster I see a smile 

you say its danger and i'm in denial

somehow I feel so safe right now...

 so I guess i'm a fool.

simplicity.

Sometimes the simple can mean the most, it really is the little things that makes life count. I was reminded of that this week when I actually got to thinking and sitting down and just simply being able to breathe. Opportunity is usual around the corner waiting its up to you wether or not you take that leap of faith. I have fallen into the victim of new i'm enjoying its perks but i'm dreading the repetition of what new becomes after a while old...and kind of the same.