castles.kings&queens.

Thinking. I think I need to think about thinking.
sometimes it can be exhausting to be caught in a thought within a thought, that leads to more thought.

soul searching exists when the days get longer and champagne over pours thy glass.
writing is freeing,creativity spills in raw,uncut emotions that unveil into words; does every feeling become a letter to form a verb, nouns only reside where love can be found a person, place or thing. lately I've been filled with adjectives; extremely,heavy,impossible etc...

God only knows why it's taking me so long. He may be  running short on lessons with me, I cant seem to forgive my past. I keep making the same mistake persistently.

but when I can articulate the heftiness of this over weight heart, life seems simple when I can manifest my premonition the freeing,vacant notion that I become overwhelmed with is indescribable.

as for the can't touch raunchiness that I can't pull out i'll be in touch soon.


I need to stop believing in people so much and pivot into my I's...

ughh. PAUSE. (breathe)

That simple.

The End.

blk&blu

It's almost been a year to date of this blog being everything I needed. Its ridiculous to think all this time has gone by and nothings really changed, scrolling thru the different posts made me realize everything is changed and embarking on a new year will make the journey that I just came thru as real as it gets. I wanna thank any one who's read and commented and I still receive emails about how I've inspired someone and that feeling is everything to know that someone else in the world felt maybe the way I did and i helped them by explaining that hope is real.

So far in my life the oh very complicated life I live, i've been struck by a series of unfortunate events not only with affairs of the heart but just how cruel the world can be and being so caught up in feeling its a deep deep hurt I have. Sometimes I feel as if I do all these "good deeds" and acts of kindness from the bottom of my heart in the most sincere way, for not anything in return but knowing I made a difference for someone else. I feel like due to this my faith constantly is being tested I believe there IS God, I believe he loves me but I don't why I've had to endure so much pain. I often wonder where all these lessons come from its always a blessing in disguise but I can't say it hurts any less. People always ask me "how do you just shut people out you make it look so easy, you can just completely shut someone down as if they never even existed in your world,you can continue on with your day with a smile as if nothing hurts you like you dont have a care in the world" I responded Ive been heart so many times, that you just learn to cope it becomes a natural habit as eating and sleeping are.Truth to that, I care,I probably care to much but showing that emotion is a sign of weakness, and when someone knows you're weak they take your vulnerability for granted, I won't let the world make me cold,everything I do, I do it whole heartedly knowing there's a chance I may be hurt, but the fact being in the end regardless if I get hurt or not I know I put my all into it.

It's sad to see people lack the passion and drive for new experiences because they go on what they know ignorance lingers everywhere. Knowledge is power,learning is such a beautiful thing. Learning something new and applying it to life for the first time brings a simple joy, just as a child learns to write a letter for the first time. Freeing your mind is never enough. If the world knew more would accidents happen?

honesty is just to beautiful to ever put into words

I just ride.

"I was in the winter of my life and the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself, dancing and laughing and crying with them.

Three years down the line of being on this road tour, my memories of them were the only things that sustained me...and my only real happy times.

I was a singer.

Not a very popular one. I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet. But upon an unfortunate series of events, I saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again. Sparkling and broken. But I didn't really mind it because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is.

When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing...how I had been living...they asked me why.

But there's no use with talking to people who have a home. They have no idea what it's like to seek safety in other people....for home to be wherever you lay your head.

I was always an unusual girl....my mother told me I had a Chameleon soul...no moral compass pointing to north...no fixed personality; just an inner decisiveness that was just wide and is wavering across the ocean. And if I said I didn't plan for it to turn out this way I'd be lying.

Because I was born to be the other woman...I belonged to no-one...who belonged to everyone...who had nothing...who wanted everything.

With a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom...and terrified of it to the point I couldn't talk about it....that pushed me to a point of madness that dazzled and dizzied me....

Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people. And then finally I did – on the open road. We had nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore. Except to make our lives into a work of art. 

Live fast. Die young. Be wild. And have fun. 

I believe in the country America used to be. 

I believe in the person I want to become. I believe in the freedom of the open road. And that motto is the same as ever. I believe in the kindness of strangers, 

and when I’m at war with myself, I ride. I just ride. Who

 are you? Are you in touch with all of your darkest 

fantasies? Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them? I have. I am f*cking crazy. But I am free."

-Lana Del Rey

Lana Del Rey has definitely become my newest obsession her music is inspiring,raw and so truthful. I love the edge it brings its so real check her out!

Is it the fall time for me to revisit the past

The inspiration I had for writing has been a bit toiled with, my life being on this constant roller coaster of emotions there's no stopping and lately I've wanted nothing but off this ride. I realize when I don't sit down and try to put what exactly it is i'm feeling into words its all gets lost and spun around in my mind and I begin to start living in the feelings.The consistency in my feelings are gone one day I can be extremely happy and the next I want nothing more than to just lay in bed all day. All summer I've been truly trying to find something that makes me happy I want that beautiful place that I can get lost in that safe zone. I have been so hesitant to get involved with anyone since all the fails that I've encountered and some take it as me thinking i'm to good, or not good enough when really it has nothing to do with either or i protect my heart because if i dont who will and i know you shouldn't blame your past and what could happen now its just hard to take that leap of faith when you've had so many screw ups... at this point i feel like i wouldn't even know if love real walked into my life cause ive just lost that part of me i feel like im romantically and emotionally handicap and I want nothing more than to re-discover that. what's a life if your living it alone. To love is to live, i feel like everyone else is moving forward in different parts of their lives and im still just here and i don't know if its me or is this part of God's plan i know he would never put me through anything i couldn't handle and i know he's making me stronger cause i can go through all this i feel like ive been coping with it just fine im just sick and tired of always being the one who has to loose in the end in every situation it has been completely bittersweet; the best way i could describe it the fact that it was sooo sweet and each time i indulged each and every bit of me completely and i fell every time and it was bitter because it would come down to that moment of  truth and i couldn't have it. I want all of life I wanna wake up every day and love life for every thing that it is. I wanna never miss an opportunity to be thankful and feel blessed because I am. There is always some one who has it worse than you. some times its just hard to remember to keep praying, to keep the faith cause when all else fails all you have left is your faith so never stop believing. Most importantly dont stop loving, love when it hurts, love when you feel you have no more to give and love some one who needs that love more than you. Dont wait for the reward to follow do it because it make your heart to happy to make others happy. In this world there are so many who love to see you fail and break you down, in some sick way i'll never understand people pry off that. Even the people who I dislike i try my hardest to ignore it cause if they arent talking to you they're talking about you, I love seeing people succeed especially the ones who deserve it and work hard for it. Just continue to strive for the best for yourself!

FOLLOW ME @NIGELXO

Don't have no time to waste

I owe so much to God today after 4 months of being confused, I finally reached a point of im really ok with this situation and looking back to where I began I never thought i'd get thru it. In my mind I was so convinced that it was different, and it was, it cut me a different way, when it healed it made me that much stronger.God,with out him I dont know where I'd be when I think I can't he always proves I can, today after I finally got the closure that I needed regardless of what I was told was true or not I needed that. To where I can close that chapter of my life and finally be free of it and accept it for what it really is.

I understand that from our day to day so much goes on that we worry about things that arent important if we just let things play out the way that they're suppose to and let God work his love, faith will step in and handle the rest. When's the last time you were at cross road in life and were completely happy with who you were as a person I feel like i've dealt with some difficult situations recently but it hasn't taken my faith away if anything those certain scenarios have been weeded out to make my life easier to live, never miss an opportunity to be thankful. Life is beautiful, embrace it, I could sit here and live the way that I was and lock myself away, and be negative and angry or I can live and let live and smile as often as I can and remember I can only hurt as much as I allow myself to and I will not hurt anymore this is what life is about living, learning and growing from learning. Pain is part of the process only to make you stronger, You've been given all the tools you just have to use them.

The hard truth is that, chances are your relationship isn't going to last through your teen years. Even if it seems like it will, we all want to believe in miraculous love, and yes it exists and you may find it when you're young but chances are something will happen, the hope will remain but a situation will arise that overwhelms the ability to be together with unbreakable obstacles, LET GO this is where GOD steps in if GOD wants you two to be together one of you could go to the moon and back you'd still end up on the same path as each other in due time LET GO, LET GOD his plans for your life are more incredible than yours  .