Bitter is the Sweetest Part

As easy it is for me to put my feelings into words sometimes its scary to share it with the world. But the fact that I put it out there is not for any one to judge this is my space to share my thoughts,feelings and hope that has saved me to inspire to help someone else.

Here it is its the fall again, always always always get to this point of the year where time just seems to fly by. The past year has been crazy for me I can honestly say that all ive done is continue to learn who I am. If I could say anything to the me of last November I wouldn't say anything because at that point in time I was the happiest I have ever been I fully did exactly what I wanted when I wanted to, I focused on my happiness it was the most beautiful experience of my life. Is it selfish to say I wasn't in a relationship or even involved with anyone so my happiness was the only happiness, maybe I've just come to learning to perfecting me and involving anyone else in the equation has made fall in t panic mode when I feel im not getting the respect I know I deserve, never will I settle for less ever never ever again. Here I am come November again questioning what the fuck I'm doing, and if i'm really happy? Today while at starbucks I heard a song by Adele called chasing pavements and I felt my life unraveling in the song "should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements." Everyone questions themselves of the riddle life throws at us. I know what I want, I wish to share that with someone who believes in what they want as well. I want an unselfish love where it should never be a question to what we need together it will always be us together thru anything. People need to understand that a functioning relationship takes both partners giving themselves wholly,fully and selfishly. Im not perfect at relationships obviously, if I was im pretty sure i'd still be in a functioning one. But what I'e learned from all the screwups is what NOT to do. So, yes lets not make those mistakes lets take what you know didnt work and what I know and put it together like a perfect equation. as corny and cliche as that may sound that is how the best one tend to work.

your still the one that I adore.

I wrote this months ago, and am finally deciding to post it, this was my deepest feelings that I could not reach to in the course of confusion. I have finally learned to let this situation be, my sanity is finally at ease.  

"the most difficult but greatest love, is to love from a distance in hopes of happiness for whom you love but cannot attain."

I shared the most beautiful freeing friendship with someone who I loved wholly in every aspect. Learning the deepest darkest corners of their mind only made me cherish their heart even more. When I thought I was teaching them, they were teaching me to passionately put my all into what ever is I do and to always in all ways want more because good is never good enough. I often catch myself thinking about you un-intentionally and wonder what exactly was that had happened between us. Maybe it was a real love that we'll never experience,a  true friendship in who i confided every bit of my soul to, or it was all an illusion for a moment of time to learn from, I try so hard to believe and convince myself of the second one, but all in all no lessons were really learned. I know neither one us planned for it to work out like this but it did. I in so many ways I tried to save our friendship as I know you also did, not in the sense that it was falling apart but in the context that we so badly needed to have each other around even if it wasn't the way we wanted we forced to have this friendship, I often think of you as my soul mate not one in which I was deeply,madly,crazy obsessed in love with but the person who I could talk to for hours and never grow bored of, someone who i trusted with my everything, the same person who experienced my lows and highs with me, every detail of my life that I ever felt mattered I was always delighted to share with you…if anything my best friend.In all honesty i know you entrusted with me so many conversations we had about your life that I always wished I could do more for you but the fact that you shared apart of you with me I knew was enough.  "I think at the end when its all over it just comes back in flashes you know? its like kaleidoscope of memories."  Other times I sit and think is it worth it to even remember something that almost never was if here I am and we shared this friendship that was mutual but I have yet to hear from you I thought you would've called by now…& you haven't so maybe you have all put all this behind you and It really is what it is.

I left this notebook open, I thought at some point during the week I would have the thoughts to put all of this into words and end this blog, but when I actually think back to the week every time I thought about exactly how I was gonna end this all it did was hurt me a little. Today here I am finally just letting it go as Im typing the last bits of my feelings of this situation, im leaving it here in this. I need to accept what has happened and remind myself not to get caught up in the what if's and let God take his course on this situation and let it go. He from the beginning had a plan for you and I, I so selfishly let my feelings for you take over what that plan was and did everything in my power to keep it here. I haven't learned what your purpose was in my life yet, except that it hurt when you disappeared. so I'll continue to love you from this distance and hope nothing but the best for you cause you truly deserve it. & i hope from time to time you think  about me and remember that moment in time we got to encounter in life and i hope you think of me as someone who never wanted anything but the best for you and that i genuinely loved you in every way the best i knew how, ill cherish those memories. lately its been the best way to get thru a bad day is to just remember . ill try my hardest not to be selfish and hold on.

castles.kings&queens.

Thinking. I think I need to think about thinking.
sometimes it can be exhausting to be caught in a thought within a thought, that leads to more thought.

soul searching exists when the days get longer and champagne over pours thy glass.
writing is freeing,creativity spills in raw,uncut emotions that unveil into words; does every feeling become a letter to form a verb, nouns only reside where love can be found a person, place or thing. lately I've been filled with adjectives; extremely,heavy,impossible etc...

God only knows why it's taking me so long. He may be  running short on lessons with me, I cant seem to forgive my past. I keep making the same mistake persistently.

but when I can articulate the heftiness of this over weight heart, life seems simple when I can manifest my premonition the freeing,vacant notion that I become overwhelmed with is indescribable.

as for the can't touch raunchiness that I can't pull out i'll be in touch soon.


I need to stop believing in people so much and pivot into my I's...

ughh. PAUSE. (breathe)

That simple.

The End.

blk&blu

It's almost been a year to date of this blog being everything I needed. Its ridiculous to think all this time has gone by and nothings really changed, scrolling thru the different posts made me realize everything is changed and embarking on a new year will make the journey that I just came thru as real as it gets. I wanna thank any one who's read and commented and I still receive emails about how I've inspired someone and that feeling is everything to know that someone else in the world felt maybe the way I did and i helped them by explaining that hope is real.

So far in my life the oh very complicated life I live, i've been struck by a series of unfortunate events not only with affairs of the heart but just how cruel the world can be and being so caught up in feeling its a deep deep hurt I have. Sometimes I feel as if I do all these "good deeds" and acts of kindness from the bottom of my heart in the most sincere way, for not anything in return but knowing I made a difference for someone else. I feel like due to this my faith constantly is being tested I believe there IS God, I believe he loves me but I don't why I've had to endure so much pain. I often wonder where all these lessons come from its always a blessing in disguise but I can't say it hurts any less. People always ask me "how do you just shut people out you make it look so easy, you can just completely shut someone down as if they never even existed in your world,you can continue on with your day with a smile as if nothing hurts you like you dont have a care in the world" I responded Ive been heart so many times, that you just learn to cope it becomes a natural habit as eating and sleeping are.Truth to that, I care,I probably care to much but showing that emotion is a sign of weakness, and when someone knows you're weak they take your vulnerability for granted, I won't let the world make me cold,everything I do, I do it whole heartedly knowing there's a chance I may be hurt, but the fact being in the end regardless if I get hurt or not I know I put my all into it.

It's sad to see people lack the passion and drive for new experiences because they go on what they know ignorance lingers everywhere. Knowledge is power,learning is such a beautiful thing. Learning something new and applying it to life for the first time brings a simple joy, just as a child learns to write a letter for the first time. Freeing your mind is never enough. If the world knew more would accidents happen?

honesty is just to beautiful to ever put into words

I just ride.

"I was in the winter of my life and the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself, dancing and laughing and crying with them.

Three years down the line of being on this road tour, my memories of them were the only things that sustained me...and my only real happy times.

I was a singer.

Not a very popular one. I once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet. But upon an unfortunate series of events, I saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again. Sparkling and broken. But I didn't really mind it because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is.

When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing...how I had been living...they asked me why.

But there's no use with talking to people who have a home. They have no idea what it's like to seek safety in other people....for home to be wherever you lay your head.

I was always an unusual girl....my mother told me I had a Chameleon soul...no moral compass pointing to north...no fixed personality; just an inner decisiveness that was just wide and is wavering across the ocean. And if I said I didn't plan for it to turn out this way I'd be lying.

Because I was born to be the other woman...I belonged to no-one...who belonged to everyone...who had nothing...who wanted everything.

With a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom...and terrified of it to the point I couldn't talk about it....that pushed me to a point of madness that dazzled and dizzied me....

Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people. And then finally I did – on the open road. We had nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore. Except to make our lives into a work of art. 

Live fast. Die young. Be wild. And have fun. 

I believe in the country America used to be. 

I believe in the person I want to become. I believe in the freedom of the open road. And that motto is the same as ever. I believe in the kindness of strangers, 

and when I’m at war with myself, I ride. I just ride. Who

 are you? Are you in touch with all of your darkest 

fantasies? Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them? I have. I am f*cking crazy. But I am free."

-Lana Del Rey

Lana Del Rey has definitely become my newest obsession her music is inspiring,raw and so truthful. I love the edge it brings its so real check her out!

Is it the fall time for me to revisit the past

The inspiration I had for writing has been a bit toiled with, my life being on this constant roller coaster of emotions there's no stopping and lately I've wanted nothing but off this ride. I realize when I don't sit down and try to put what exactly it is i'm feeling into words its all gets lost and spun around in my mind and I begin to start living in the feelings.The consistency in my feelings are gone one day I can be extremely happy and the next I want nothing more than to just lay in bed all day. All summer I've been truly trying to find something that makes me happy I want that beautiful place that I can get lost in that safe zone. I have been so hesitant to get involved with anyone since all the fails that I've encountered and some take it as me thinking i'm to good, or not good enough when really it has nothing to do with either or i protect my heart because if i dont who will and i know you shouldn't blame your past and what could happen now its just hard to take that leap of faith when you've had so many screw ups... at this point i feel like i wouldn't even know if love real walked into my life cause ive just lost that part of me i feel like im romantically and emotionally handicap and I want nothing more than to re-discover that. what's a life if your living it alone. To love is to live, i feel like everyone else is moving forward in different parts of their lives and im still just here and i don't know if its me or is this part of God's plan i know he would never put me through anything i couldn't handle and i know he's making me stronger cause i can go through all this i feel like ive been coping with it just fine im just sick and tired of always being the one who has to loose in the end in every situation it has been completely bittersweet; the best way i could describe it the fact that it was sooo sweet and each time i indulged each and every bit of me completely and i fell every time and it was bitter because it would come down to that moment of  truth and i couldn't have it. I want all of life I wanna wake up every day and love life for every thing that it is. I wanna never miss an opportunity to be thankful and feel blessed because I am. There is always some one who has it worse than you. some times its just hard to remember to keep praying, to keep the faith cause when all else fails all you have left is your faith so never stop believing. Most importantly dont stop loving, love when it hurts, love when you feel you have no more to give and love some one who needs that love more than you. Dont wait for the reward to follow do it because it make your heart to happy to make others happy. In this world there are so many who love to see you fail and break you down, in some sick way i'll never understand people pry off that. Even the people who I dislike i try my hardest to ignore it cause if they arent talking to you they're talking about you, I love seeing people succeed especially the ones who deserve it and work hard for it. Just continue to strive for the best for yourself!

FOLLOW ME @NIGELXO

Don't have no time to waste

I owe so much to God today after 4 months of being confused, I finally reached a point of im really ok with this situation and looking back to where I began I never thought i'd get thru it. In my mind I was so convinced that it was different, and it was, it cut me a different way, when it healed it made me that much stronger.God,with out him I dont know where I'd be when I think I can't he always proves I can, today after I finally got the closure that I needed regardless of what I was told was true or not I needed that. To where I can close that chapter of my life and finally be free of it and accept it for what it really is.

I understand that from our day to day so much goes on that we worry about things that arent important if we just let things play out the way that they're suppose to and let God work his love, faith will step in and handle the rest. When's the last time you were at cross road in life and were completely happy with who you were as a person I feel like i've dealt with some difficult situations recently but it hasn't taken my faith away if anything those certain scenarios have been weeded out to make my life easier to live, never miss an opportunity to be thankful. Life is beautiful, embrace it, I could sit here and live the way that I was and lock myself away, and be negative and angry or I can live and let live and smile as often as I can and remember I can only hurt as much as I allow myself to and I will not hurt anymore this is what life is about living, learning and growing from learning. Pain is part of the process only to make you stronger, You've been given all the tools you just have to use them.

The hard truth is that, chances are your relationship isn't going to last through your teen years. Even if it seems like it will, we all want to believe in miraculous love, and yes it exists and you may find it when you're young but chances are something will happen, the hope will remain but a situation will arise that overwhelms the ability to be together with unbreakable obstacles, LET GO this is where GOD steps in if GOD wants you two to be together one of you could go to the moon and back you'd still end up on the same path as each other in due time LET GO, LET GOD his plans for your life are more incredible than yours  .

A dream is a wish your heart makes

A dream is a wish your heart makes

When you're fast asleep

In dreams you lose your heartaches

Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday

Your rainbow will come smiling thru

No matter how your heart is grieving

If you keep on believing

the dream that you wish will come true

Have you ever truly thought about this little quote or analyzed it from our childhood."A dream is a wish your heart makes." Its always been subliminal background music to disney, not till now have I realized how true it is. In a dream you think or act out what the heart wants most dreams are our subconscious (which I believe is your heart, considering at anytime that voice of reason comes around and your mind is thinking one thing, but your heart is telling you another; "subconscious") Before bed you think about the day or what you want,need or even things that hurt and you pray about it your thinking and than you start dreaming. Is this your heart telling you what it wants most? In my case my mind is steady telling my heart to shut the fuck up. I never believed this more than now, I've been having a series of dreams and sometimes those dreams I wish were the reality of things, because as far as real life goes it could never happen that way EVER again. "So if this love only exists in my dreams, then don't wake me up." Maybe I've lost my mind, and have completely gone crazy, but whatever it is i'm admiring the beauty of dreaming. It gives you the hope, "if you keep believing the dream that you wish will come true."

Since you've been gone loves been M.I.A.

chris brown:)

thoughts.random thoughts.

Once upon time life was simple assholes for boyfriends weren't acceptable, people could voice their thoughts and opinions with out being judged.

I forgot how much I love to smile and admire the beauty around me. Today while talking to a friend she told me I was inspiring and sometimes I forget to stop, breathe and remember I am human, and I need to accept that i'm not perfect but, i'm my kind of perfect. I've been thru some crazy things, thru it all I try to smile and get on. I will never let anyone take my joy away ever again, for some reason regardless of all the horrible luck i've had with love I still have hope that one day i'm gonna find someone who completely sweeps me off my feets:) Part of the reason of why i'm so hopeful is I have this amazing strong bond with my family and that unconditional love they give is something I want to share with someone there aren't many people I love so, when I love, I love hard.I'd do anything for those couple few

Part of me blogging has helped me straighten out my feelings considering I kinda suck at putting myself out there. At times if felt as if I was an emotionless monster cause the only feeling that came out was anger.

Being happy is so much easier then being angry. "The most beautiful people are the ones who have gone thru the most traumatic experiences, and thru it all they still manage to keep faith and never stop smiling"

God has blessed me with the strength to get thru each day. Never question his motives his plans are always better than anything you might have in mind he's amazing and his love for us is more than we can imagine.

Holding onto hope.

"when will I see you again, you left with no goodbye not a single word was said, when was the last time you thought of me or have you completely erased me from your memory."

A moment, a chance that opportunity waiting around the corner all have the drastic ability to change your life in an instant if you take that chance it's crazy how something that can seem so small and insignificant can change you in ways unimaginable, and the part that trips me out the most is that you don't even realize its happening. I fell into the victim of new and for once all those feeling that I thought id never get back happened all over again,rushing and consuming me quickly with everything. 

What am I doing

What are we doing

We started here but now we're way over there

Where is the rush is it still there

You're my new the exciting the different 

Or are you really the same 

I feel like once you've had one you've had them all

The truth... after a while they all feel the same

Whats happening between us 

Am I just your every now and again source of entertainment

I told you everything you needed to know

Because you weren't him

I let all my fears go and dove in head first

I'm dedicating all this time when I really shouldn't be

Its way to early for mistakes 

Do you really mean what you say when no one's around 

The feeling, the physical, the affection 

The coexistence of anyone or anything else and drowned out sound in full room

That was everything, a simple feeling but it was everything

Its like you read me, and the wanting you turns more into a need

Missing you just because, is this what love does

Blinds us all, and rebirths old insecurities 

Takes us away from the truth

When is it right to let go 

This run eneded before it really began

Now all I know is

All I want is you

miss you stranger not one day has gone by that I haven't thought of you,or been caught in a moment thinking of what was as oppose to what is. My heart hurts and its a reminder i miss you. Opportunity granted me you and chance led me here with the purest heart my good intentions resulted into you bad decisions. Now we're here stuck...How can you be attached to something that almost never was,I should be over it and I DO know better but its just not the case. I'll always wonder what if and why. Have you really just become the one that got away?

I'm gonna need a moment, cause moments last forever.

The realest thing anyone has ever said to me or about me touched my heart in so many different ways...

" Your problem is you get attached fast, and once you're attached to someone you do everything you can to please them, and make them happy, its never about what you want its always everyone's needs before your own, you give out to many chances to people who don't deserve it, they take advantage of you, and you become a pushover, but you're okay with that because they're still in your life, and that's all you ever really wanted, and even if they screw you over you'll still be there for them because that's YOU, that's who you are, once you get attached to someone they have a hold on your heart, and they now always have a place there and that's why its so hard for you to let go you need to protect yourself not everyone is like you."

The world is such a cruel place you never really know someones intention with you, I've been caught in an emotional battle with trying to figure out what I'm doing, the way I've been trying to deal with it is embracing each moment and taking it for what it is...but how can you do that when eventually more time is spent, more intimate conversations are shared and feelings grow. You catch yourself thinking about moments you wish you could go back to,moments are everything and lately the moments that I've encountered have been stuck clouding out all my other thoughts. My hearts involved, all i'm needing is the word. So either attachment or detachment can happen. 

not unless your hearts in it...

I've been striving for the zen and more in things lately. May started so exciting I fell into new and celebrated so much time with family, so many good memories were made than in a blink of an eye you almost feel as if everything just falls apart, I wanted nothing more than to embrace a moment for everything it was I put my all into it as I do in everything I do why do it if its not whole heartedly. I always try to find the good in people and lend that helping hand in any one in need not because I have to but because it makes me feel good that I can, my best friend and I were talk and she said "Your just non-judgemental, you always try to save everyone, but dont change its not you, not everyone is like you, YOU JUST NEED TO LEARN HOW TO PROTECT YOUR HEART MORE." When she said that last part of me protecting my heart it spoke to me so much, because my intentions are always for the good I try to ignore all the negativity m heart is pure and for that reason I find that people find it easy to take advantage of me. I refuse to be that fool anymore, I will continue to be the kind loving person who always wants to help but in a different way, I never ask for anything in return but for your kindness, mind and sometimes even your heart. I was blessed to have the window of opportunity to make things happen so why not be that for someone else.

a fool in lust.

I dont expect anyone to understand, the reason why I do things the way I do them, lately I've embraced every situation the best I know how, for me thats new im always the preserved one who'll take the quiet safe route just so nobody gets hurt. The one time I step out and actually live a little everyone around me freaks out, Im not expecting to fall in love over night I just want to be me, I feel stuck with no personal space a part of that is my fault for wanting to share with everyone how im feeling or my current joy, in that ive ended up here where I always do where the thrill is gone,and I find myself looking for the nearest exit, the escape route im looking for is due to the ones who say they love me, you dont have to understand but accepting it would be nice...I guess the way I feel is everyone keeps bring up my past saying it was better you have no idea how miserable and unhappy I was having someone always over shadow you and make you feel not good enough, I only let you see what I wanted you to you dont truly fully dont know the reality or the truth to what was. You saw the outside of the show that was put on...that even I fell for, you all dont know how much I hurt from that, part of the reason why I am the way I am is because of all that no one understands me or how I operate, im fed up with everyones input. I'm looking for a way out.

Don't judge me now, i'm not trying to hurt you,

 I know this wont make you proud.

Did I let you down, are you ashamed of how I turned out

You see a monster I see a smile 

you say its danger and i'm in denial

somehow I feel so safe right now...

 so I guess i'm a fool.

simplicity.

Sometimes the simple can mean the most, it really is the little things that makes life count. I was reminded of that this week when I actually got to thinking and sitting down and just simply being able to breathe. Opportunity is usual around the corner waiting its up to you wether or not you take that leap of faith. I have fallen into the victim of new i'm enjoying its perks but i'm dreading the repetition of what new becomes after a while old...and kind of the same.

lust.

Q&A

I finally got around to answering some questions ill try to get to more later if you didnt post a name with your question i'll post your blog name :)

Mrlikeaboss said: Where are you from your a beautiful lady whats your background?

(blushing) thank you kindly:) I'm from Seattle born and raised my ethnicity is Fijian.

Furiouso said: I heart you and vivid notion...not a question lol

Thanks love, I heart you back! funny I always tell my friends I heart them I thought I was the only one who used that expression:)

Lindsay said: Hiyaaa! on your very first post you said you share this blog with your best friend how come she never posts, and what happen to the guy who use to post things on here too?

Hello boo! she just never got around to it and my brother he's a bit of a slacker lol

MissDope said: You should do a makeup tutorial your pictures always look flawless

thank you thats very sweet, I think yess! possibly in the future.

KushKandy said: You know the owner of the business link you posted to DayandNightInc.?

Yes sweetie we know each other very well

Jake said: By the was you put your words, you seem like a smart woman do you have an higher level of education besides like high school?

aww shmankss:) Yes currently i'm attending university to complete a degree in dental.

Umrvnie said: Were you friends with your ex before you started dating?

He was friends with me.

Eriza said: HIIIIIIIII I love your blog, I like how you do your own thing i dont trust females so how do you do it do you prefer big groups of people or close couples?

thank you thank you :D I have a close couple friends that I hang with and I trust with everything thats just how I do it.

Oblivion said: I love the pictures you post you should put more up and do you have twitter,instagram or tumblr?

thank you darling:) yes,yes and no.

Sissy210 said: Are you rich you go on all these trips everywhere what do you do I wanna be young rich and travel too

Everything I want.

Trynnabequeens said: You inspire me so much I havent quite figured out why,keep on hustling girlie:) and please check out my blog please follow me!

You made my heart smile beautiful! I will

I have ignored all the other posts from anonymous people because for one they usually have something negative to say because there to coward to come out and say it with there actually name and this is a prime example why

Anonymous said: Have you ever wondered why you need so much attention? Do you think its because of you"ex-boyfriend issues" with you being a whore and all...Taking pictures alone and posting them on your blog is weird only because you post them and then seem to take yourself seriously afterwards. Do you do that just for the heck of it honestly or is it because the people who admire your online persona are than able to provide more attention to your whining rant about loving yourself when you obviously don't cause you post shit for the whole world to see your just fake.

Its obviously not me who has a problem in this situation...WHY ARE YOU WATCHING ME?!?!?!!? let me ask YOU since I have no idea who you are but seem to know me so well,you're stating 'I crave attention", and I also love the fact you threw " ex bf issues" there, either way that was a lucky guess or you must've really done your research, i'm gonna go with option 2

LMAO weird I take pictures of myself and try to take myself seriously,its people like you who will continually try to break people down because your unhappy with yourself, what about you? what do you like to do, STALK ME! no one online "admires me," if they make themselves known to me, has it occurred to you I compliment them back and enjoy reading others posts too from tweets and blogs. Its either you see the good in people or you don't, looks to me your my only admirer here.

 go deal with whatever it is I supposedly did to you, and stop taking it out on me, i'll pray for you tonight.

Jane asked: Do you style you hair with heat everyday?

I really try not to most days I just go natural